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Vulnerability is Strength

Writer's picture: Mariam BoylesMariam Boyles




One thing that I have had to really tap into and learn is how to allow myself to be vulnerable in front of others. To be honest, I still have to convince myself that it is ok on some occasions. Let me tell you that when that happens, my body feels like it's in fight or flight mode. I have to keep reminding myself to open up and allow my emotions and true feelings to be brought out. You see, even though my mom was very open with her emotions, it seemed as though she was constantly persecuted for them, mainly by my father. He was tough and the only emotion that I ever really saw was anger. Even when he was in consistent pain in his last months, he still hid his pain. To see him expressing joy or happiness was extremely rare. On top of that, I was treated differently than my brother, like I was weaker and too soft to exist in this world. I spent the majority of my life proving how strong and capable I was. I could do everything that a man can do. I refused to cry in front of people. On the rare occasions that I did, I was embarrassed about doing so. I felt ugly, pitiful, and ashamed that anyone saw me in that context. I didn't like to admit it, but I absolutely was afraid of what people thought, even though I would say otherwise. I didn't want to be seen as weak or defective in any way.

I was in fact a very sensitive person though most would not see it. I could pick up on and feel what others felt. I would cry at the drop of a hat when my dad or someone I loved was speaking to me in a certain tone. The state of the earth and the way humans treated it and each other caused my heart to ache. Still, I pushed through and forced my strongest self forward. A self that could do everything by myself. A self that did everything for my children with no visible fear. A self that would let no man carry anything heavy for me.

At the same time, I learned to be kind while still being ruthless. That was a war deep inside my soul. I am certain that in past lives that was who I was. I was cold, heartless, and showed no mercy. I grasped onto that because it was familiar, not to mention that I thought that was how I was meant to get on in this world. I thought that was the only way I was to conquer anything and achieve success being a female with African in my blood. I was constantly full of sadness and pain. I knew that this was not how life was. As I dove deeper into who I was and the meanings of existence, I became more in tuned with who I truly am. My soul pulled me closer to softness and love and further from the person I was taught to be. I see now that it is easy to hide yourself, your true self from others. What you don't realize is that you are also hiding from yourself. You are doing the world and yourself a disservice by keeping the best parts of you hidden. Usually, what you are afraid to show to others is what you are actually meant to express fully. To be open and true allows you to let go of those blocks that are keeping you in place, repeating the things that are hurting you. Your "weaknesses" are really your superpowers. Are you ready and willing to save yourself and this beautiful planet?

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